Difficult
by ChancellorEco
Summary: Sam's been trying to hide a couple-no-MANY things for and from Dean. He gets caught up in the heat of the moment and spills more than he intended to.
1. Chapter 1

_**Thanks for having an interest in my very first story! I'm working on a Destiel fanfic, so if you'd like me to upload that, tell me and you'll have it :D! Any kind of review is welcome. Thanks again, and enjoy!**_

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"Sam!" Dean yelled. They were in an alley hunting for a vampire. Sam had gotten separated from Dean after he had been bonked on the head and passed out for a couple of minutes. "SAM!" Nothing. "Damn it!" Dean ran down one end of the alley and reached a dead end. He attempted the other end and came into another dead end. "...What?" He was starting to get worried. Dean looked to the side and saw a dumpster. Maybe, Dean thought, I can get on top of those and climb upwards...? What Dean saw baffled him. There was a wall where the night sky should have been. "What...Huh?! NO! SAM!" Dean yelled out to oblivion.  
"Dean! Wake up!" Sam was cradling Dean in his arms. The vampire had knocked him out and poisoned him. Dean had gotten extremely pale and his lips were blue, and he's been unconscious for the past fifteen minutes. "You damn son of a bitch! What did you do to him?" Sam said towards the already dying vampire. He had cut into him with a knife drenched in dead man's blood. "Ha...ha ha..." Dead. "Damn it! Dean! Wake the hell up! Don't die on me!" Sam pleaded.  
Sam never even got the chance to say what he always wanted to say to Dean. "Dean...please," Sam said, tears pooling out of his eyes. "Dean... I love you... Don't...don't go...Dean!" Sam started bawling. He didn't deserve this. "No... Dean! What do I have to do?!" Sam didn't know. He didn't know what could bring him back, and he didn't know what to do. "Dean..." Sam leaned down, inches apart from Dean's face, and kissed his cold lips with all of Sam's willpower. If anything, Sam thought this could help.  
Dean opened his eyes slowly, and noticed how close Sam was to his face, and how he had his eyes close but tears were streaming out of them, and how Sam was kissing Dean passionately, lips to lips. Dean opened his eyes fully and was paralyzed by astonishment. Sam opened his eyes, still kissing Dean, and saw that Dean was wide awake. He backed up and looked at his face. "Dean!" He yelled. "Sam..." Dean's mind was reeling. Sam pulled him up and embraced his brother. Dean put his arms over Sam and wondered what was going on.  
The boys gathered their bearings and went towards the Impala. Dean drove to the the motel they were staying in, and Sam fell asleep on the way over there, although not really. There were so many emotions brewing inside of him, and Sam knew Dean was questioning what made Sam do what he did back in the alley. They reached the motel and went inside. Sam laid down on his bed and tried to push aside his feelings, failing miserably. "I'm gonna...take a shower," Dean said, looking at Sam strangely. Sam didn't meet his gaze. "Fine," he said.  
Sam had always cared for Dean, that much he knew, but...Dean's been the only thing that doesn't die when Sam's near him. Everyone suffers, except Dean. He's always there when Sam's having a horrible day, which is practically every day, and Sam had been feeling closer and closer to Dean with every passing minute. His feelings had grown and now it's like whenever Dean's even near him, his heart starts fluttering and he starts getting nervous. Sam just doesn't know how to admit it to Dean because he's afraid it'll screw things up between them. He got caught up in the moment and Sam doesn't know what he'd do without Dean anymore, so he kissed him, hoping it'd make a difference.  
Sam's train of thought was crashed over when Dean came out of the restroom, dripping wet with only a towel covering his waist down. Sam's stomach was attacked with a pang of nerves and he kept staring at Dean's amazing body, imagining what was under the towel. "Sammy," Dean said, diverting Sam's gaze towards his gorgeous emerald eyes. "Look, I worry about you, I really do, and I'd blame myself if anything were ever to happen to you...and..." Dean went on, and Sam got lost staring into Dean's eyes.  
His eyes were full of care and love, although Dean wasn't the type to show it. Sam knew just how much Dean could care of people. He was an amazing person with wonderful talents that could send Sam into space.  
Sam loved that Dean was always around, checking up on him and asking if he was holding up okay. It made Sam feel just a bit less lonely in this immense world. Sam could always be himself around Dean, and wherever Dean was, it's like Sam is at home. Sam's always dreamed of Dean, and dreamed of how it'd be like if Dean knew Sam loved him in more ways than one. It'd be better, Sam thought, much, much better. Sam wouldn't have to hide anything then. He'd do anything he'd want to Dean without shame, and take pleasure out of it. Sam could love Dean intimately, and Dean would accept it with open arms...or not.  
Even as he stood here now, Sam just wanted to grab the towel and rip it into pieces, exposing Dean's glory, and having Sam marveling at it with utter need, arousing feelings that'd leave Deans luscious, hot center area with nothing but- "..gay." Dean finished. Sam's train of thought stopped for a moment. "...What?" Sam questioned what Dean had just said. "I said, it's cool if you're tooty-fruity, but just don't be like that with me, okay?" Dean said. "Dean! I'm not gay! Where'd you even- look, it's been a long day, okay? I need some rest to get my head straight." Yeah, Sam thought, 'cuz fantasies over Dean's dick was gonna make my head straight.  
Sam couldn't get his mind off Dean the rest of the night. What was he supposed to do once Dean woke up? Wouldn't it be unbearably awkward? Sam couldn't be like this forever. He was going to have to Dean sooner or later.  
But right now, Sam just needed something to get his mind off things. He quietly got off the bed, making sure not to distort Dean's sleep. Sam looked over to him. Sam had always fallen asleep to the sound of Dean's adorable, soft snore. The keys to the Impala were in an ashtray close to the door. Sam seized them and quietly creeped outside, getting in the Impala and driving towards a bar close by.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Here's the second chapter :D Thanks again! Enjoy_**

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It was a cold, quiet night. There weren't many monsters out in this part of town, not that that was much of a worry at all. Supernatural beings were at the back of his mind right now.

The drive was quiet, and Sam was silently listening to some of Dean's favorite tracks. He always thought it was funny. Dean would be mouthing the lyrics to songs once in while, and if Sam got lucky, he could actually get to see Dean get into a song and make facial expressions, which Sam thought was irresistibly adorable. Everything about Dean was nice. It was pleasing to get lost staring at him. It calmed Sam down and gave him reassurance that everything will always turn out okay if Dean is by his side.

Sam reached the bar and walked in, not seeing many people, after all, it was midnight. He ordered about four beers and had three shots, and downed them all. The stinging alcohol made its way down Sam's throat, eventually reaching his stomach, and then having an effect on his brain. Sam looked down at his empty shot glass, wondering where these feelings had suddenly come from. He didn't want to like Dean, but he was always around him, and it's not like Sam was going to run away from Dean just to make these feelings disappear.

It was late, and Sam was getting tired. He drudged drunkly towards the Impala and drove back to the motel.

He parked it lazily and walked inside quietly, making sure Dean didn't wake up. Sam was surprised to find Dean leaning against the kitchen table, looking directly at Sam, fury and worry mixed in his eyes. Dean held a phone in his hand, and set it on the table, still looking right at Sam. "Where the hell were you?!" He asked at Sam, raising his voice. "...What..?" Sam said. Dean's look changed to utter worry. "You're...drunk? Sammy.. What's wrong?" Sam focused his view on Dean. "No... Dean... You don't...get to be..worried.." He slurred the entire sentence. "What?" Dean asked, bewildered. "Look, I get you worry about me.. but I mean, for...for what?" "Sam, I'm your damn brother! You're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna stop worryin'. I've been looking for you everywhere and not even Bobby knew where you were! You could've been dead by now!" Dean finished. Sam laughed half-heartedly and almost fell over. "There you go again Dean! Worrying about me..like I'm the most important damn thing in the world!" He said. "Sammy, you're drunk. You need rest. Come on, go to sleep." Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder and tried to pull him towards his bed. Sam knocked his hand off. "You wanna know why I did it Dean?!" He yelled. "Did what?!" Dean asked. "KISS YOU, DEAN! I didn't want you dead!" Sam said right to Dean's face. "Sam, go to sleep." Dean tried pulling him again, faster this time. Sam just sent his arm flying once more. "NO DEAN! I LOVED YOU! I STILL DO! You're...the only person that matters to me in this damn, screwed up world. You've always...always been there for me. Always there to take care of me." Tears were starting to pool in Sam's eyes. "Dean," he continued, "I love you...more than a brother. Like a soulmate. I didn't want you dead, Dean! I didn't want you to leave me..." Tears made their way down Sam's face. "Sam..." Dean tried to say. " I just... I just don't want to lose you...Dean," Sam finished.

Dean let out a long sigh. "I need sleep, and you do to," he said. Dean pulled Sam towards his bed, and he didn't refuse. Sam laid down on his bed, clutching on to the covers. Dean looked down at him, "Goodnight, Sammy," he said. Sam was out.

Sam woke up with a terrible hang over. His face was hovering over the toilet seat, waiting for the next round of nausea to hit him. "'Morning sunshine," Dean said with a smirk. "Ugh...what? Dammit, what happened last night?" Sam said, trying not to hurl everywhere. "Other than you getting drunk, nothing really," Dean said. Sam couldn't remember anything that had happened, but Dean remembered every second of it. Sam looked up at Dean from the doorway, he was looking at Sam weirdly, like Sam could break down any minute, and he had to be ready for it. A pang of nausea hit Sam and he turned towards the toilet, letting everything out. Dean walked away. "Hey," he began, " I got a lead. You up for some hunting?"

"Yeah, just gimme a sec.." Sam said, still feeling like crap. He forced himself up and looked into the medicine cabinet and took some pills

The boys got dressed and went towards where another vampire should be. Dean explained the details to Sam on the way, but noticed Dean wasn't really being himself. "Dean," Sam said, "you okay?" "Yeah...yeah, I'm fine," Dean said. Sam didn't think it was going to affect anything, so he ignored Dean's personality displacement. Sam was still worried about Dean, though. He has never acted like this around Sam. Dean was being more gentle, a softie, you could say. Sam kind of liked it, but why was he doing it? Did something happen last night? Sam couldn't remember. Was Dean just trying to get to know him better? Sam, he told himself, you know that's never going to happen. You're just a brother to him, a regular, plain, old brother, with no romance involved at all. Sam looked out the window in disappointment.

Sam and Dean reached their destination. Dean parked the Impala and joined Sam for the real hunt. They went through an alley and stopped mid-way. "Alright," Dean said, "he should be around here."

The boys went deeper in the alley for a couple more minutes, being really cautious and patient. Half an hour went by of just searching and retracing their steps. Sam had had enough. "Dean, there's nothing here. The bastard probably saw us coming and ran off," he said. Dean let out a sigh. "Ugh, just when I thought we had a decent hunt. But I swear he was around here somewhere!" Dean said. "Come on," Sam said, going towards the Impala. Dean took a moment of hesitation, looked around a bit more, and gave in. "Fine... I'm coming."

The Impala was a couple minutes away in this deep alley. There was an awkward air between the two of them, although San didn't seem to notice that, but the fact that Dean was acting way too damn strange. "Ok," Sam said, turning around and facing Dean ",dude, what's up? You've been acting really weird lately." Dean didn't look into Sam's eyes for a moment, then said, "You really...don't remember what happened last night, do you? Well, I don't expect you to, you were drunk as hell," Dean finished. "I remember the "getting drunk" part, but I can't remember anything after that. Dean, did I say something weird?" Silence. "Dean," Sam said again. "You said you loved me!" Dean said. Oh no, Sam thought, I could've told him anything, but that?! "You said...you loved me in more ways than one. Like a soulmate," Dean said. Dean looked into Sam's eyes, and it was Sam's turn to look away. "Sam...is that really how you feel about me...?" Dean really wanted to know, wanted to know with a burning passion, just like Sam's love for him. "Dean... I..." Sam looked up and saw a figure standing a few feet away.

"Dean! Look out!" Dean turned and chased after the figure, his fangs bared and bloodthirsty eyes looking at the boys. Dean slipped a knife out of his leather jacket and took a swing at him, towards the neck. It dodged easily and kneed Dean in the stomach. His breath was let out in a puff, and Sam went at it with adrenaline pumping through his veins. The vampire threw Dean against a wall, making him fall limp to the floor, and readied itself for Sam. The vampire hissed at him and swung his claw towards Sam as he got closer. Sam ducked and hit the vampire with an uppercut, making the creature fall over, stunned.

Sam went over to Dean and sat him up. He has been knocked out for a few minutes, but now that Sam was closer, he could see he was alright. "Ugh, dammit," Dean said, sitting up straighter. Dean tried to say something but went into a coughing fit instead. "Dean," Sam said, "you alright?"

"Getting...away," Dean said between coughs, and pointed towards the vampire. It had gotten up and started running. Sam chased after him, but realized it wasn't worth it. The vampire had jumped over a fence and was getting inside of his car now.

"Dammit!" Dean cursed behind Sam. He had gotten up and walked towards Sam. "Why'd you let him get away?" Dean asked, grabbing Sam by the shoulder and turning him to face Dean. "I was just worrying about you," Sam said. "Yeah, well I don't need anyone to worry about me, I was fine," Dean said. "No, you weren't! You were passed out on the floor! Maybe if you hadn't charged at him like a madman, none of this would've happened!" Sam finished. "I was just doing my job," Dean said, "and I can do my job without someone being all lovey-dovey over me!"

"...Dean," Sam said. Sam looked right into Dean's eyes. "Dean," Sam said again, tears pooling in his eyes. "Sam.. I... I didn't-" Sam cut him off. "You know what, forget it, Dean. You're right. I'm just getting in your way. My emotions don't really matter anyways," Sam finished. Sam walked past Dean and towards the Impala. "Sam, I didn't-" "I said forget it!" Sam yelled.

The ride home was emotionless, no awkward atmosphere, no talking, just plain. Sam felt like he was next to a stranger. He looked out the window. How could Dean say that? It didn't seem to register in Dean's head how deeply and passionately Sam loved him, and he goes throwing it out the window. They reached the motel and went in, Dean walking with shame in his eyes, and Sam simply stoic. Sam fell on his bed, the day's time making his eyes heavy. Dean was outside, having a beer and looking out at the night sky. Sam fell asleep in minutes, just wishing this never would've happened.


End file.
